Understanding Bypassing: An Introduction
Bypassing is a behaviour pattern and a copying mechanism where individuals avoid confronting difficult emotions, thoughts, or life situations by employing distraction, intellectualisation, or even spiritual explanations. Instead of facing discomfort or pain head-on, people may suppress these feelings or detour around them – missing out on valuable opportunities for healing and self-growth.
This avoidance can show up as:
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Distracting oneself from sadness or anger
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Using positive thinking to deny distress or vulnerability
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Turning to higher / spiritual / transpersonal explanations (“It’s all meant to be”) rather than addressing what hurts
Recognising these patterns is the first step toward building more resilient emotional health.
Spiritual bypassing
Spiritual bypassing can show up in everyday life as avoiding real emotions by saying things like “everything happens for a reason” when someone really needs to process sadness or grief. It can also mean ignoring personal boundaries or challenges in relationships under the guise of “staying peaceful” or “not engaging with negativity.” It’s a way of not fully dealing with the ups and downs of life.
When people rely on ideas like karma, destiny, or “it’s all in God’s hands” to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions or to numb themselves to the pain of a situation, that’s another way of bypassing. It’s not that those beliefs are inherently bad, but using them to avoid feeling or acting on real issues can hold someone back from growth.
Alternative Types of Bypassing as Coping Mechanisms
Bypassing as a coping mechanism – apart from the spiritual context – is present in psychology and therapy as:
1. Emotional Bypassing
Definition: This refers to avoiding or suppressing difficult emotions rather than addressing them directly. Instead of working through uncomfortable feelings like sadness, fear, or anger, a person might distract themselves, deny their feelings, or intellectualise the situation.
Common Behaviours:
Excessive optimism or “looking on the bright side” to avoid pain.
Minimising or invalidating your own emotional experience (“It’s not a big deal”).
Avoiding conversations about feelings or quickly shifting to solutions or distractions.
2. Cognitive Bypassing
Definition: This type involves detouring into thoughts, logic, or intellectual explanations to avoid actually feeling or processing emotions. It’s a way of staying “in the head” and away from the heart or body.
Common Behaviours:
Over-analysing experiences instead of expressing feelings.
Reframing every situation with logic or reason to sidestep emotional discomfort.
Using “positive thinking” or rationalisations as a shield against negative feelings.
3. Detached Protector Mode
Definition: Sometimes described in schema therapy, this involves emotionally disconnecting and avoiding contact with feelings as a survival strategy, leading to numbness or withdrawal from emotional situations.
Common Behaviours:
Suppressing needs or putting up emotional walls.
Isolating oneself or becoming numb in stressful moments.
Appearing unaffected or cold as a means of protection.
Table: Types of Non-Spiritual Bypassing
| Name | Description | Examples |
|---|---|---|
| Emotional Bypassing | Avoiding or suppressing emotions, often unconsciously | Distracting oneself, denying feelings, forced positivity |
| Cognitive Bypassing | Intellectualising or rationalising to avoid emotional experience | Over-analysing, “logic fixes everything,” reframing constantly |
| Detached Protector | Emotional disconnection as self-protection | Numbness, withdrawal, emotional walls |
While “spiritual bypassing” is well-known, the terms “emotional bypassing,” “cognitive bypassing,” or describing someone as being in a “detached protector mode” are used in psychology to capture similar avoidance behaviors without a spiritual element. Each involves dodging discomfort, but the method and focus differ—on emotions, thoughts, or general disconnection. These terms could represent what you’re calling “personal bypassing” when it comes to day-to-day challenges.
Self-Reflection Questions to Identify Bypassing
To recognise whether you’re engaging in spiritual bypassing, emotional bypassing, cognitive bypassing, or other avoidance patterns, it can help to regularly check in with pointed self-assessment questions. Below are practical prompts organised by bypassing type.
Spiritual Bypassing
Ask yourself:
Am I using spiritual ideas (karma, destiny, “everything happens for a reason”) to avoid feeling or dealing with difficult emotions or situations?
Do I prioritise “staying positive” or “being at peace” over engaging with real pain, grief, or anger when it arises?
Do I excuse unhealthy behaurs in myself or others as “all part of the plan” or “meant to be” rather than addressing them directly?
Do I feel pressure to always appear enlightened, calm, or detached, rather than authentic?
When faced with suffering (mine or others’), do I jump to spiritual explanations instead of listening or empathising?
Emotional Bypassing
Ask yourself:
Do I distract myself from uncomfortable feelings through work, positivity, entertainment, or other activities?
Do I tell myself “it’s not a big deal” or “others have it worse” to minimise my own hurt or distress?
Do I avoid talking about or exploring sadness, anger, anxiety, or other emotions?
How much time and energy am I using to resist or suppress my emotions, rather than feel and process them?
Do I quickly move conversations away from emotional discomfort—either my own or someone else’s?
Cognitive Bypassing
Ask yourself:
Am I analysing and rationalising my experiences instead of feeling my emotions?
Do I rely on logic (“there’s no point feeling upset”) to avoid staying with discomfort?
Do I often reframe problems intellectually rather than noticing how they affect me emotionally or physically?
Do I catch myself “thinking away” discomfort instead of sitting with it, perhaps by over-explaining or justifying situations?
General Bypassing or Avoidant Patterns
Am I avoiding difficult conversations or conflict to keep the peace, even if my needs aren’t met?
Do I use phrases like “I’ll deal with this later” or “It doesn’t matter” to dodge uncomfortable realities?
When my boundaries are crossed, do I let it go to avoid confrontation instead of expressing myself?
Table: Bypassing Types & Self-Check Questions
| Type | Example Self-Questions |
|---|---|
| Spiritual | Am I using spiritual concepts to dodge emotional work? Do I skip over pain because “it’s meant to be”? |
| Emotional | Am I forcing myself to feel only positive emotions? Do I distract or minimise to avoid sadness or anger? |
| Cognitive | Am I over-analysing or rationalising to bypass feelings? Do I explain everything instead of allowing myself to feel? |
| Detached/General | Am I putting up emotional walls or withdrawing from connection? Do I avoid conflict at the cost of authenticity or wellness? |
Notice patterns: If the same types of avoidance show up in different situations (relationships, work, loss), this may signal a bypassing habit.
Practice presence: Ask, “What am I actually feeling right now?” and “What would it be like to sit with these feelings instead of avoiding them?”
These questions foster honest self-reflection and are a starting point for deeper awareness. Recognizing bypassing is not about self-criticism, but about creating space for real growth and healing.
Moving Forward After Recognising Bypassing: Practical Strategies
Once you recognise spiritual, emotional, or cognitive bypassing in your life, the path forward centers on embracing all of your experiences and cultivating healthier patterns of self-awareness and expression. Here are key strategies supported by psychological research and expert advice:
1. Practice Emotional Acceptance
Feel your feelings fully: Allow yourself to experience the entire spectrum of emotions—including sadness, anger, and discomfort—without labeling them as “bad”.
Acknowledge discomfort: Notice which feelings you habitually avoid. Allowing discomfort (rather than suppressing it) is necessary for genuine growth.
Remind yourself: All emotions are valid and temporary; none are forbidden or wrong.
2. Cultivate Mindfulness
Mindful awareness: Regular meditation and mindfulness increase your ability to observe thoughts and emotions without jumping to avoid or suppress them.
Non-judgmental presence: Practice being present with whatever arises, fostering curiosity and compassion towards your inner experience.
3. Build Self-Awareness
Journaling: Document your emotions and reactions to identify repeating patterns of bypassing or avoidance—writing helps clarify and process complex feelings.
Observe triggers: Notice what situations bring up avoidance tendencies. Journaling and reflecting make these patterns clearer.
4. Cognitive & Behavioural Strategies
Identify and label emotions: Instead of defaulting to logic or rationalisation, practice naming your feelings (e.g., “I feel anxious right now”).
Challenge your default responses: Ask yourself if your automatic reaction is avoidance, and experiment with responding differently.
5. Embrace Self-Compassion and Acceptance
Be kind to yourself: Setbacks are normal. Forgive yourself for moments of avoidance and renew your commitment to openness and presence.
Balance growth and acceptance: Recognide that change is gradual and every step toward facing your feelings is a victory.
6. Seek Authentic Connection
Share with trusted others: Talking about your feelings with friends, support groups, or professionals can deepen your understanding and reduce isolation.
Consider professional support: Therapy – especially modalities focused on emotional processing – can be transformative for breaking bypass patterns.
7. Change Triggers and Habits
Alter your environment: If certain places, times, or routines reinforce avoidance, change them up to disrupt autopilot behaviours.
Replace habits: Consciously substitute avoidance behaviours (distraction, suppression) with healthier coping strategies, like mindful breathing, creative expression, or taking a walk.
8. Celebrate Progress
Track milestones: Notice and document small shifts in your responses, celebrating when you catch bypassing in the moment and choose authenticity instead.
Embrace imperfection: The aim is not perfection but progress—a more honest and compassionate engagement with life’s realities.
Quick Reference Table: Overcoming Bypassing
| Strategy | Description |
|---|---|
| Emotional Acceptance | Feel and honor all emotions, even uncomfortable ones. |
| Mindfulness | Meditate, observe thoughts and feelings without judgment. |
| Self-Awareness | Journal, reflect on triggers and patterns. |
| Cognitive Techniques | Label and challenge avoidance behaviours. |
| Self-Compassion | Normalide setbacks, foster gradual growth. |
| Support | Connect with others or therapists for guidance. |
| Change Environment | Disrupt old cues and routines for habits. |
| Healthy Replacement | Choose positive coping over bypassing behaviours. |
Effective Techniques for Addressing Emotions, Stress, any Challenges
Once you notice bypassing patterns, several innovative techniques can help you process emotions thoroughly and safely. Here are three research-backed methods:
1. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)
EFT, or “tapping,” combines gentle fingertip tapping on acupressure/acupuncture points with verbal statements about an emotional issue. This practice helps calm the nervous system, reduce emotional intensity, and provide a sense of relief. Users report that EFT can bring unresolved feelings to the surface, making it easier to process them fully rather than avoid them.
“The cause of all negative emotions and all problems (emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, financial, stress, phobias, etc) is a disruption or imbalance in the body’s energy system.”
Gary Craig, Founder of EF
By neutralising the emotional charge behind the past/present/future patterns, you can free yourself from unwanted symptoms of those patterns or habits.
Key steps:
Identify the emotion or issue.
Use a setup phrase (“Even though I feel ___, I accept myself…”)
Tap on specific points while acknowledging the emotion.
BOOK an EFT session and LEARN tapping
2. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing)
EMDR is a psychotherapy approach originally developed for trauma. Through guided eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation, EMDR helps the brain reprocess distressing experiences and feelings, reducing their emotional charge. This tool is particularly beneficial for those who habitually bypass difficult memories or emotions, supporting safe and controlled emotional exploration.
How it works:
Briefly recall a distressing memory while engaging in bilateral stimulation (like side-to-side eye movements).
Facilitated by a trained therapist for best results.
3. Havening Techniques
Havening uses gentle, soothing touch on the arms, face, and hands while recalling or discussing distressing feelings. The technique aims to alter the brain’s response to stressful memories, fostering emotional resilience and calm. Havening is designed to help rewire emotional responses, making it easier to experience and process emotions instead of avoiding them.
Components:
Self-soothing touch (such as stroking your arms)
Recalling challenging emotions or memories in a safe environment
Focused attention and positive imagery
Watch this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09IDxrXAi2s
More videos and articles – the main website https://havening.org/about-havening/papers-videos-articles-radio
Bringing It All Together
Dealing directly with emotions instead of bypassing them creates space for healing, authenticity, and personal growth. Techniques like EFT, EMDR, and Havening offer practical, evidence-based pathways to engage with—even transform—difficult feelings, helping you live with greater presence and emotional freedom.
Ready to Move Beyond Bypassing?
If you’ve recognised patterns of bypassing in your life, it’s time to take the next step toward genuine emotional well-being. Transformation begins with the courage to face your feelings—and support can make all the difference.
Take Action Today
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Book a therapy session with a skilled counsellor to explore your emotions in a safe, supportive environment.
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Or try Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) with me – experience the empowering effects of tapping as you gently process life’s challenges.
Why Wait?
Your emotional health is worth it. Whether you’re looking for deep healing or practical coping tools, personalised support can help you break old patterns and unlock greater resilience and authenticity.
Reach out now to book your session. Your journey to feeling, healing, and thriving starts here!